Funny Quotes
1. “I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."
—Mitch Hedberg
2. “Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.”
—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
3. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
4. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
—David Letterman
5. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey
6. Bob: “Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.”
—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space
7. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
—Mark Twain
8. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
—Will Ferrell
9. “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
—Rita Rudner
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10. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”
—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day
11. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
—Erma Bombeck
12. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
—Phyllis Diller
13. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
—Ellen DeGeneres
14. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
—Anonymous
15. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld
16. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”
—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office
17. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
—Anonymous
18. “I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
—Rodney Dangerfield
19. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
—Les Dawson
20. “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”
—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus
21. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
—Steven Wright
22. Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious.”
Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley”
—Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!
23.“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”
―Mindy Kaling,Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
24. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
—Joan Rivers
25. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear
26. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”
—Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), The Waterboy
27. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”
—Jimmy Kimmel
28. “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”
—Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up
29. “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”
—Lessons from the Minivan
30. “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”
—Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
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31. “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”
—Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club
32. Usher: “Bride or groom?”
Wedding guest: “It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither!”
—Four Weddings and a Funeral
33. Stan Fields: “Describe your perfect date.”
Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.”
—Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality
34. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
—Jerry Seinfeld
35. Lucy: “There's just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.”
Fred: “Your feet?”
—Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley),I Love Lucy
36. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
—Anonymous
37. Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”
Norm: “I don't know, I usually finish before they get a word in.”
—Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) and Norm (George Wendt), Cheers
38. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” —Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
39.“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”
—Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey
40. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
—Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
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41. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”
—Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias
42. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”
—Anonymous
43. “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
—Graham Norton
44. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
—Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends
45. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
—George Carlin
46. “When I'm in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don't have to shake hands.”
—Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm
47. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
—Sir Norman Wisdom
48. “That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”
—Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
49. “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”
—Adam Gropman
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50. “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”
—Neil DeGrasse Tyson
51. “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
—Groucho Marx
